Ready Or Not, Here It Comes

Nation Watches Helplessly As 2028 Election Cycle Begins - The Onion

As my wife and I sat watching the election returns on Tuesday, with her brother who was over for dinner, I marveled at the Christmas commercials already on the tube. I mean, Halloween was just last Saturday for crying out loud. And as we sit watching this landmark electoral turnaround, I see dancing elves and Christmas trees.

Along with that came the inevitable speculation about who of this bunch might be a candidate for President in two years. That, of course, is because we are never without politics, ever. I mean, we have several hundred political pundits to keep employed.

So let me dispense with the post mortem on the Midterms, because you've no doubt heard it all.

Democrats won big, everywhere.

They will take over the Congress in January and proceed to do the kinds of things parties do when they return to power. While they should tackle head on the very issues voters are worried about, the war, inflation, cost of living, access to healthcare, SNAP, tariffs, and then international relations and the debt that is growing like kudzu around a cottonwood tree, some will go off on tangents that are, let's say, ill-advised.

In short, they will overestimate their mandate and America's affection for them. They are on a short leash and that means, they may well screw it up.

Some will want revenge on what has been an obviously corrupt and lawless administration, up to and including another dumb impeachment attempt. Haven't we just seen how pointless this administration's revenge has been? Hearings, yes. Impeachment, no.

Some on the far left will now feel compelled to bring up pet issues like the right to marry a piece of office furniture if you desire. After all, J.D. Vance has addressed the living room suite. They will waste the country's time, and make voters wonder about our capacity for self-government.

If he is chosen as leader again, Chuck Schumer will put the nation to sleep for the next two years, making any investigatory hearings even more difficult, though the President will welcome a bit more naptime.

But let's hope they will buckle down and get the country back on course. And then, we come to the next Presidential race.

I know, we haven't gotten over our celebratory or despairing hangovers yet. But, I am sadly one of those political hophead burnout cases and I can't help moving on to the next electoral fix. As we watched the returns, my brother-in-law, a former Trumper, allowed as how no politician ever does anything good for us.

I was starting to remind him of the Social Security check he gets and where it started, but my wife gave me the cut signal as soon as I began.

So, I did some research for a list of the likely candidates on both sides in 2028. For the GOP, it seems the most likely now are...

But here is the alternative...

J.D. Vance, though he will be pummeled with his earlier comparisons of Trump to a mid-century German authoritarian and his later conversion to a golf course ball washer. His late to the game opposition to the Iran War will no doubt be seen as the Hail Mary it is.

Ron DeSantis will emerge from the Sunshine State and hobble back onto the scene on his awkward shoe lifts.

Though his lifts are a bit less obvious than Bogart's...

At least he will help blunt all that "Little Marco" stuff for Rubio.

Speaking of...

Marco Rubio. Word is he will be leaving the administration before long to concentrate on a Presidential run. He, of course, has the same problem as Vance since he accurately described Trump as a con man back in 2016, and has since dutifully carried out a manic and schizoid foreign policy, all while wearing shoes Trump bought for him that are two sizes too large.

And I just can't resist this again, if only for the Desi Arnaz impression...

Ted Cruz (R-Cancun). Just no. Not on any planet, in any dimension or reality. The entire Presidential field could go down in a plane crash and I would vote for Justin Trudeau first.

There is speculation about Georgia Governor Brian Kemp and even Senator Tom Cotton, an Iraq War veteran who apparently survived the dreaded enemy head squeezing torture machine...

OK, time for the Democrats And one name stands out among all others. I mean, just ask him.

Gavin Newsom is the modest, self-effacing Governor of California and the only politician who uses more hair gel than Pete Hegseth...

He is a generally popular governor whose judgement might be called into question as he was married to her...

Jon Ossoff is the newly reelected, and somewhat out of place Senator from Georgia since he can speak in complete sentences. He will test whether America is ready for a Jewish President who went to the London School of Economics, but with rolled up, regular guy sleeves.

Pete Buttigieg would be the first openly gay President.

The key word is openly since James Buchanan broke that glass ceiling back in 1857.

Oh, you didn't know? Sorry for the spoiler. But also, it ain't going to happen. Is America ready? In a word, no. Besides everyone will get his name wrong.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. Smart, fiery, pretty and leans far enough left to be in danger of tipping over. Again, it ain't happening. Republicans would make her a caricature, fairly or not.

Kamala Harris. Been there, done that. Pissed away a lot of campaign money. If you think this is possible, just pile up a million bucks in the middle of the yard and set fire to it now.

Josh Shapiro, the Governor of Pennsylvania is often mentioned as a possibility, and the question of a Jewish President, unfortunately will come up again. Come on, this is America. You know it will.

And, interestingly, we haven't had a President who wore glasses all the time since Truman. "Give 'em hell, Josh?" Doesn't have a real ring to it.

These are some of the folks being mentioned so far. I know there are more in the wings, like J.B. Pritzker, maybe after some Ozempic, and Nikki Haley, who should have gotten more consideration before.

Just make sure it isn't Nicki Minaj.