Before we get going, the Outlaws want to clarify one thing. To paraphrase (kinda) LBJ on the eve of the 1968 Democratic National Convention, "We shall not seek, and we will not accept, the nomination for a term as Speaker of the House of Representatives." None of us. Period. Put it out of your minds, right now. Myra kinda thought she could squeeze it in on maybe a work-from-the-House basis...(see what I did there?) But in the end, just, no.
THIS JUST IN, former owner of the Dallas Cowboys and a Professor of Animal Husbandry at Texas A&M, George Santos, has assumed the role of Speaker of the House. According to George Santos. So that takes care of that.
How was your New Year's celebration? Dozens of friends over to the house, noshing on the last of the tamales? Champagne? Sparklers? Or were you in your PJ's and fuzzy slippers by 10, watching season 2 of The White Lotus? (That poor Tanya... I mean, she's a wreck, but you have to feel a little sorry for her?)
Or were you watching Anderson Cooper and Andy Cohen get pickled in Times Square? Well, sober-pickled. And maybe you had some gummies in your champagne glass? (After last year's drunkfest on live TV where Cohen went on a tirade about former NY Mayor de Blasio, calling him a “horrible mayor” and saluting him farewell - “Sayonara, sucka”... CNN warned the pair that there would be no drinking this year.) Cohen found a loophole. "Do I have a pocket full of edibles? I do. Will I take them? I don’t think so. I don’t know, it’s a long night. This is a telethon with no disease, do you understand? We’re here all night passing time.”
BREAKING NEWS: In a real gut-punch, the famous author that gave us the classic novel "1984," and also recently directed the "Avatar" movie franchise, House Speaker George Santos has resigned his position after the untimely third death of his mother. Speaker Santos says that he will return home to pay his respects to his mom who is lying in state in Westminster Hall.
We don't have to keep our focus on US Politics all the time. We should take a moment to congratulate Brazil on the swearing-in of Lula da Silva. "Lula," as he is known, replaced Jair Bolsonaro - Brazil's own version of our Seditious Sack of Snake Oil. Like America's Capt. Chaos, Bolsonaro declared Brazil's election fraudulent and refused to officially concede. Also like our Chunky Cheetoh, Bolsonaro retreated to Florida - the Sunshine State and (coincidentally) home to hundreds of roadside snake farms. And there will always be a booth for former strongmen at the Mar-a-Lardo Inn.
Brazil, in an attempt to steal all the news headlines, also said a final goodbye to soccer superstar Pelé. Hundreds of thousands, including President Lulu, attended his wake. An international star, and generally acknowledged as the greatest soccer player of all time, Pele was a national hero.
FROM THE NEWS DESK: Former spiritual advisor to the Dalai Lama and the man who invented the Corny Dog (at the Texas State Fair) has been RE-ELECTED as House Speaker after he returned from his recent wedding to Taylor Swift.
One final headline from Brazil: Prosecutors are reopening a criminal fraud case against a man that stole a checkbook from his mother's former boss about a decade ago and used it to buy several hundred dollars worth of clothing. The suspect fled the country. To the United States. The suspect? George Santos. That George Santos. WWII fighter Ace George Santos.
THIS IN, FROM THE WIRE: Rabbi George Santos, part-time Southwest Pilot and a surgeon who recently performed the first successful double-nostril transplant on a 4-year-old Moldovian girl, will be sworn in as the U.S. Speaker of the House. Special guests are to include his recently born Octuplets, his wife Meghan Markle, and former girlfriend Adele, who will sing "Easy on Me," her recent hit written by Santos. Though slated to attend the swearing-in ceremony, his Uncle Pope Benedict recently passed away.
Along with his mom. Who took a guided missile through the abdomen in Kyiv.
This week, a couple of our writers get right after it:
"Objectivity" in journalism is an ideal, but an impossible one. Taught in good J-schools, the concept as it applies to the press ignors human experience and our natural biases. But at least it's a stated goal, a principle to aspire to.
Through years of big political money constantly buying legislators, what little media regulation there was in terms of fairness (and any pretense of objectivity) went the way of the wallet. James Moore bemoans the loss of even an attempt toward neutrality in the press and as a result - Americans' inability to tell right from wrong.
Apparently, Roger Gray got locked in with the inlaws who had FoxNoise tuned in for the entire holiday season.
Rather than drown himself in Uncle Beauregard's liquor cabinet, Roger grabbed his laptop. He decided to analyze the giggly phenomenon that is Tucker Carlson. He wonders why his nightly performance art is actually believed by so many people who actually have access to voting machines.