Bears, More Bears, and a Trans Hippo

Do modern Goldilocks have the right to appropriate bear culture? When we last left the fairy tale, the bear family was chasing her out of their house... Mama bear was NOT pleased to catch Goldi in the marital bed! Did anyone ask a damn bear how they felt about all of this?

Bears, More Bears, and a Trans Hippo
That Goldilocks hussy is in our bed. And it ain't "just right."

Bear With Me

Goldilocks broke into the bears' place, and in the telling of the story, was a fussy and particular little hoodlum. She helped herself to the bears' freshly made breakfast, broke some of their furniture, and then brazenly helped herself to the bear's bedroom and fell asleep. When the bears returned to their home, it took them a while to figure out who had done this terrible damage. When they found the selfish little waif asleep in their bed, they scared the bejeezus out of her such that she got the hell out, never to return. Or, almost never.

If you've been hanging out on the innerwebs lately, Goldi is back. And she wants to take a bear as a mate. You've seen this meme, right? It started when an obviously aggrieved and possibly scarred lady posted the hypothetical question, "If you were alone in the woods, would you rather encounter a bear or a man?"

Stemming from a viral TikTok by user @callmebkbk, the question was further promoted by a street interview video by @screenshothq in April 2024. With an apparent majority of women responding that they would choose a bear in the hypothetical situation, the question spawned viral reactions and debates on social media, with users arguing over the validity of both options and about gender relations.

Then, things went viral as the kids say. #choosethebear

Of course, the innerwebs came back, swinging.

First, did these people even see The Revenant?

I mean, I get it. I'd rather have this horrible thing over that horrible thing which I think is even more horrible. But why not wish for something nice instead? "I think I'd rather date a marmot." Or if a bear was necessary to make the point, why not a koala? Or a panda? Everyone likes pandas! If you dated a sweet panda, the ugly and rude human male would still be denied. ("Denied males" make excellent Trump-supporting incels, btw.)

"You just don't get it, Chris. YOU are part of the problem."


The one thing I noticed. This trope first gained traction in feminist circles and was (justifiably) picked up by aggrieved women everywhere. Many (maybe all) had been victimized in large and small ways by husbands, boyfriends, bosses, family members, etc. etc. But something funny happened.

I saw more males posting the meme than women. Most were feminist allies, I'm sure. But could it be white guys in bear's clothing? They sure seem to be going overboard in self-flagellation - admitting to be unworthy bears - to impress the gals. Appropriate white-male guilt. Guilt that they hoped would score them points?

Do modern Goldilocks have the right to appropriate bear culture? When we last left the fairy tale, the bear family was chasing her out of their house... Mama Bear was NOT pleased to catch Goldi in her marital bed! DID ANYONE ASK A DAMN BEAR HOW THEY FELT ABOUT THIS?

Yes, gentle Outlaw. I did ask. I was able to interview an area bear about his feelings on the issue. Did you see the FX series "The Bear"? In the series, the bear imagery seemed to be a metaphor for loving and working for things that hurt you. Sound familiar?

I was able to find that bear actor and interview him.

OUTLAW: Hey there.
BEAR: <grunts, sighs>
OUTLAW: You doing OK? You seem a bit, disheveled. Tired?
BEAR: You don't know the half of it. I'm a working bear. Trying to make a living in this bear-eat-bear town. Man, I'm exhausted. And now, I've got human women standing outside my cave almost every night. Telling me that I should date them! They want to take selfies with me!
OUTLAW: I'm sorry man. It's, well it's a kind of fad for women to say that they'd rather go out with you than, you know, human dudes. It's a kind of hyperbole, you know? Just to prove a point.
BEAR: And why is this my problem? You think my wife thinks this is funny?! What's the matter with you guys? Why can't your women stay with their own kind?
OUTLAW: Um, It's a long story. And let's be careful with the "your women" phrase. Suffice it to say, they're angry at men in general for being boorish, brutish, and barbaric. So they want to...
BEAR: just use us?!?! Use us bears for spite? To make some kind of point ... what, we're all just lame, brainless teddy bears? Man, this gets worse all the time! Did anyone, ANYONE think to ask about appropriating MY culture?
OUTLAW: Yeah, well, it's mainly just a provocative internet meme.
BEAR: Listen dude, you need to keep your ladies back in your own cave and out of mine, you feel me? This could get ugly, and I don't want to decorate the forest with torn and bloody human lady limbs. So keep your women in the house, raising their cubs.
OUTLAW: See, that attitude is the whole problem. Unless you're a conservative Catholic place kicker for the Kansas City Chiefs. The ladies want to make it clear that they don't need us, and if they want a mate, they're willing to choose bears instead.
BEAR: I'm telling you, they're asking for trouble. It's not going to end well if this is kept up. Bears have choices, we have agency in this. Ane we're just not into it, you know? Keep 'em away.
OUTLAW: I'll pass it along. Oh, and before I go, you know I gotta ask you...
BEAR: Oh no. No man, I don't believe it. First, your desperate, unhinged women, and now this.
OUTLAW: Sorry, it's just my job.
BEAR: <resigned sigh>
OUTLAW: Well, do you? Do you shit in the woods?
BEAR: <makes aggressive noises, motions me to leave...>

There it is, ladies. They're just not that into you. Respect the Bear.

BONUS: new trailer for Season 3 of "The Bear"

And speaking of Bears...

So it's becoming harder and harder to bear (!) con artists, cheats, liars, and swindlers. From internet scams, fake photos on dating sites, phony news stories, lying politicians... the list goes on. Every day we're confronted with scoundrels selling us some bogus product or fraudulent service. Or re-running for president.

But let's hand it to a zoo in China and their "pandas." Pandas, of course, are a huge draw for visitors and a delightful attraction. So what do you do if you're a Chinese Zoo and you don't have a panda or two? You grab a couple of Chow Chow doga and some black shoe polish and you get to work!

Hey, is that panda wearing mascara?

The keepers at the Taizhou Zoo in Jiangsu Province didn't receive too many complaints. Most visitors thought they were pretty cute, though a few weren't too happy about the false advertising. Still, it's nice to have a crowd come and enjoy the panda dogs. It wasn't so long ago in China that these pups would have been on the menu.

From the NY Post: “Ten years ago the natural instinct of a Chinese person was to eat a dog,” Hsin Ch’en, a pet shop owner in Chengdu, Sichuan, told London’s Metro newspaper. “Now we are like Westerners and want one as a companion. The cute breeds like French bulldogs and labradors were the favorites, but now it is the panda dog.

Pet stores can't keep them in stock.

Some shoe polish and a long-haired Chow Chow... you can own your own panda! No bamboo is required!

And Speaking of Zoos...

The Osaka Tennoji Zoo in Japan recently discovered that they had a mis-sexed hippo in residence. As much as I'd like to make a trans-hippo joke or two, I know that would land me in some seriously hot water these days, what with the LGBT hippo community being rightfully sensitive to such disrespect.

Gen-Chan has announced that the correct pronouns are "she/her"

The zoo received Gen-Chan as a five-year-old and assumed the paperwork identifying (her) as a male was correct. One would think that a creature as ample as Gen-Chan would have, uh, easily identifiable parts. But I can see where no one in particular wanted to bother her to be sure. "Would you mind putting your feet in the stirrups?"

The giveaway, and ladies, you're going to love this... Gen-Chan never exhibited the sort of usual mating behavior one would expect from a maturing male. What would that be?

A spokeswoman for the Osaka Tennoji Zoo told AFP on Tuesday that typical male hippo behaviour that Gen-chan was not displaying included making courtship calls to female hippos, or scattering faeces around while defecating with a propeller-like tail motion in order to mark territory.

We reviewed earlier how women are so fed up with terrible male behavior that they would rather turn to bears for dates. Can we at least all agree that men should get a little credit for not flirting with you by spinning our tails while defecating in your direction?

Feel the city breakin' and everybody shakin'And we're stayin' alive, stayin' alive...

There's an old expression... "when the shit hits the fan."
Like on a weekend night, when John Hippolta hits the dance floor while some "Saturday Night Fever" music is blaring and the floor is lit... and he gives you that wink, and a smile... and that tail starts spinning like an airplane propeller... and suddenly, the slop pipe opens up...

"Honey, what's that smell, and oh my, what is that all over you?"
"I think he loves me, Mama."

Better date a bear, instead.

Chris Newlin worked around Tee-Vee stations before he went out on his own and continued to work in the world of video and multi-media production. Then came iPhones and YouTube accounts, so now he sits around full of self-pity and too many Keystone Lights. He still enjoys sunsets, long walks on the beach, and a good bowel movement, at least every now and then.