Grannie Dannie Needs a Gummie, Bezos Bought a Bride

Your Daughter Wants a Big Wedding, Too

My invitation to the Bezos wedding must have been sent via Amazon Prime... because... it got delayed. All the PJs were booked anyway (that's Logan Roy family talk from "Succession" for 'Personal Jet.') PJs were a bit of a sticky issue for the wedding planners. Venicians were not all that happy about a hundred or so jets buzzing around, filling up their airport. Luckily, they got over it and put together a welcome sign for those flying in:

And what a lovely couple, it's a marriage made in heaven, or at least the tabloids. The same old story: Married nerd father meets married Fox TV anchor mom. Married nerd almost loses married TV anchor, but whips out a pic of his... balance sheet. Nerd and TV anchor hook up and tangle like a couple of meth infused weasels. Nerd divorces wife, TV anchor divorces husband. Naturally lovely anchor lady, Lauren Sánchez, travels to Hollywood plastic surgeon and asks for "the full Mar-a-Lago - extra silicone with a double shot of botox." This results in her looking like an off-the-rack Kardashian. The surgeon apparently ran out of silicone but substituted a couple of regulation NBA basketballs to complete the job. Nerd was so impressed that he presented the Kardashian clone lady a pink diamond engagement ring with the carat-weight of a 2020 Dodge Caravan. (This will be listed as the only item in the "hers" column of the prenup.)

From a perfectly attractive woman to just another highly flammable Real Housewife of MAGA Place.

The Union of Duckbill Platypuses is considering a lawsuit or at least a PR campaign over the "inappropriate appropriation of our unique image without permission or remuneration."
"If that crazy white lady wants to use my face, she needs to pay for my face. She knows it ain't cheap being pretty. She knows she has to pay for beauty like this."

Between the PJs, the yachts, and the gondola loads of paparazzi chasing anyone who has so much as been a contestant on "Celebrity Wheel of Fortune," the locals have about had it. After a local backlash, one of the main parties moved to a more isolated, secure venue. The usual pack of celebrities is still crawling all over the place. Oprah, the Clooneys, a curated selection of Kardashians, Ivanka, Tom Brady, Bill Gates, Queen Rania of Jordan, and a gaggle of lookie-loos that somehow got on the island. Just like it was at your wedding.

Tradition has it that you have three months to get the young couple a wedding gift. I assume that they're registered at Amazon. C'mon, help a young couple get a start in life.

The best wedding that fifty million can buy.

Grannie Patrick says Gov. Abbott Wants to Legalize the Devil's Lettuce

Don't bogart that gummi, dood!

Governor Greg Abbot, in a move that surprised many, vetoed Senate Bill 3’s total ban on hemp-derived THC. Lt. Gov. Grannie Goeb Patrick, in the interest of "protecting the children of Texas" (!!!) had hisself a little episode. “The governor of the state of Texas wants to legalize recreational marijuana,” Grannie Pat hissed. “He proposes legalizing marijuana in Texas by regulating it!”

Well I doo-dee-clare! That demon weed will take us all down!

It did seem odd that Abbott played coy about the bill and then waited until the very end of the session to issue his veto. It makes more sense when you realize that he was waiting to see how much blowback Patrick would get for pushing the bill. It makes even more sense that he was waiting to see how much money the THC sellers could cough up for him.

Patrick could have opted for tighter regulation (as even the hemp industry has suggested). But outwardly, he preferred playing the 1950s and 1960s weed scold. At a press conference he suggested that THC products are "poisoning our kids!" (Wait until he finds out what the gun lobby does to kids.) When a reporter asked if there was a way to protect kids but allow access to hemp products by adults:

“What are you crazy? "<pointing to a table full of edibles -> "You want to go home and eat a bag of this tonight, see if you’re here tomorrow? We focus on kids because that’s where they built the shops, but adults are buying this stuff too,” Patrick said. “That’s crazy talk. That’s the kind of talk — the reason why we’re here. Media that would say something as stupid as that. I’m sorry, that’s just true.”

Chill, dude. Try one of our special gumdrops.

Abbott was probably more than a little concerned that the ban’s economic impact could be devastating for the state. The hemp industry contributes $10.2 billion to Texas’s economy, according to Whitney Economics. 55,000 people are employed in growing, processing, and selling those little gummies, vapes, cocktails, and other consumables.

Playing the part of a Puritan nanny was Patrick's schtick to fire up his Texiban evangelical base. But surprisingly (to some,) there's broad support for legal, hemp-derived THC products in the state. Abbott realized that it wasn't just those damn hippies in the Democratic party that were munching wacky weed brownies. Self-medicating veterans with PTSD and other disabilities have grown to rely on Delta-8 and 9 products to ease their anxiety and provide relief from chronic pain. Other seniors have come to depend on it for mild to moderate pain relief as well.

This will be another issue, like vouchers, where big money will play an outsized role over voter preference. A vast majority of Texans prefer legal THC products. Even among Republican primary voters (you know, the real rabid Republicans) are mostly supportive. The Texas Hemp Business Council conducted a poll early this month and found that 45% opposed a ban on THC and 35% in support. Another 21% answered “don’t know.” Everyone seems comfortable with better regulation (keeping kids away from it, keeping stores away from kids, better control over THC strength, etc.) And if it's banned entirely, the public is aware that a black market and illegal sales would explode.

Most importantly, beyond the faux concern over reefer madness, one needs (as always) to follow the money. Chris Tomlinson of The Houston Chronicle outlined how the medical marijuana industry had a locked monopoly on any legal marijuana sales in the state. And just as they were developing into a mature business, hemp based THC products came rushing in and cut their sales in half. That's a big haircut for a bunch of investors who lobbied hard to get medical weed made legal - now they're lobbying harder to hold on to their exclusive little Texas cartel. Hemp producers have been smart enough to partner with liquor distributors for their THC-infused beverages. They know that the liquor lobby is a formidable force, so like any good Mob family, the Hempsters offered to share the take.

"Times have changed. It's not like the Old Days, when we can do anything we want. A refusal is not the act of a friend. If Don Corleone had all the judges, and the politicians in New York, then he must share them, or let us others use them. He must let us draw the water from the well." - 'Emilio Barzini' (Richard Conte) in "The Godfather"

Abbott has called a special session, and this issue will be a priority to settle. Grannie Dannie has said that he is willing to be voted out of office over the issue. (GO HEMP!)

It would be seriously stupid to ban this stuff - the barn door blew wide open and it's here. But the modern GOP is nothing if not seriously stupid. The industry needs some oversight and regulation - which they favor and are willing to go along with. But it has to be done carefully. California weed is so regulated and overtaxed that about 50% of their industry is underground. The requirements for legal pot are so onerous that every cannabis plant must be numbered and traced through growth, harvest, processing, and final sale. The Freakonomics podcast did a great series on the industry.

And let's face it, there are and will continue to be unintended consequences of this stuff. Kids having access to "candy" pot. Gas stations are selling pot shots in small bottles at the counter. Super-strength dosages equivalent to pure hashish are in some products. Labeled dosages are often unreliable. This is not your dorm room country ditch-weed. It's head and shoulders above the "good stuff" cultivated by the horticulture major down the hall with the grow-light in his closet.

Lieutenant Dan says he's never smoked weed. And he would never lie. Never ever. It's time, Dan. Put down that bottle of Scotch and that second martini and light up this blunt. Pass it around. Pass it to all us old farts, and vets, and people anxious over what you're doing to our state. Maybe it would help relieve some of the pain from that stick that's been up your ass for so long.

And that kid who had the grow light in his closet? Yeah, he's growing a couple hundred acres of some of the juiciest, tastiest bud this side of Cheech and Chong's yard, supplying several processors and their various brands. The dean who expelled him and told him that he'd always be a loser is now begging him for a wholesale deal on some Delta-9s for his arthritis pain.

She's Not Going to Take it Anymore

And finally, if you're from Houston, you saw a bit of freeway bizarre this week on the TeeVee news.

There was some sort of wreck on I-45 north (The road to the "big" airport and all points north to Dallas.) A lady swerved right in front a big rig and smashed up her SUV. She gets out of her vehicle with a gun and a lawn chair. Sits down. In the middle of the still active freeway. Refuses to move. Both lanes of 45 were completely shut down for hours.

As my lovely wife Velveeta said, "I guess she's had enough."

Some pretty amazing pics and videos have been posted in various places. And it's quite cinematic, in a way.

At once absurd, funny, poignant, tragic...It calls to mind 'Howard Beale' in the movie "Network," or Michael Douglas in "Falling Down." One commenter suggested it was right outta "Apocalypse Now." "Every man has got a breaking point. You and I have one. Walter Kurtz has reached his, and very obviously, he has gone insane."

And it turns out that the woman did have some mental health issues, most likely dementia. She claimed her kids were kidnapped. They brought her kids to her, and she remained in her chair.

The interstate was shut down both ways for around 5 hours. Tens, if not hundreds of thousands, were inconvenienced and their work days, errand running, or vacations, were completely disrupted. No telling how many people missed their flights at IAH.

Lucky, I suppose, that the first responders acted rationally and with restraint. The SWAT boys were there, sheriff deputies, city cops... it was a big ole scene. Most of these things end up badly. The sheriff's "Critical Incident Response Team" had a crisis negotiator talk the lady down. She surrendered her gun and before credits rolled we saw the lady give the negotiator a hug before she was taken to the hospital without criminal charges. Scene. Curtain. Fade to Black.

There's a screenplay in this. Titled: "We've Been There." Or more simply, "2025."

Made it through one issue of the TOW Newsletter without mentioning Trump!

But... you know... I mean... I ALMOST made it through.

Just a quick bit of merch to display, so that you can prove your LOYALTY!

At a NATO summit last Wednesday, NATO Secretary General Mark Rutte off-handedly remarked that "daddy has to sometimes use strong language to get them to stop." He was referencing Trump's dressing down of Iran/Israel breaking their cease-fire agreement. "We basically have two countries that have been fighting so long and so hard that they don't know what the fuck they're doing." During the NATO meeting, Trump said, Rutte later diplomat-splained that he was not referring to Trump, per se, but he was using "daddy" to refer to U.S. leadership in general, you know, how Europeans talk about the U.S as a child-parent relationship. Uh-huh. Right.

The White House was on it before Ruppe even had a chance to wrap up the Summit. They put together a sizzle reel of Trump's visit to The Hague set to the song "Hey Daddy (Daddy's Home)" by Usher.

The song is often used in TikTok videos as the backdrop for flirty or sexualized videos of men. But the whole 'who's-your-daddy' vibe for this is high on the ick factor.

But as usual, MAGA nation was on a roll... t-shirts were up for sale before the ink was dry. What would your first thought be if you saw your MAGA grandpa wearing this out on the putting green? Don't answer that. There must be some MAGA gay bars that are filled with sad, Log Cabin Republicans awash in Daddy merch.

You can head on down to the Patriot Depot or the Trump Superstore and git you some "Daddy's Home" sportswear! That is, if Ivanka hasn't already bought it all! You should take some time to see the amazing gift ideas available on these Trump sites. Or don't, as my browser history is now compromised so that yours doesn't have to be.

Give 'em credit where credit is due. The Trumpistas lean in. Whether he's charged with felonies, impeached, lies about... whatever, or just behaves like an ignoramus or talks like a babbling idiot... the cult celebrates him. Honors him. T-shirts him.

You still have time to get that wedding gift. Maybe a "Daddy's Home" T for the new Mrs. Bezos, and a simple "Daddy" shirt for Mr. Bezos. Now available at Amazon.