Oh, Canada!

In this post-Cold War world, you have to tread carefully if you are the largest remaining superpower. You have to pick your friends and enemies with great deliberation. Who is on your side? Who shares your values? Who has stood with you in war and peace? Freedom and free commerce ought to be paramount in those decisions. No room in the US orbit for dictators, totalitarians, warlike aggressors and those who don't play by the rules.

So, given all that, we choose Russia, North Korea, China and Middle Eastern principalities.

I know, you're asking why? Well, other than Trump and Putin's shared taste in interior decor...

I mean, we know about the President's close relationship with President Putin, and how after a big summit meeting in Alaska, Putin began really shelling Ukrainian civilian targets. You have to admire that kind of gumption, and apparently the President does. It seems that's the kind of ally we need.

Never mind that Zelenskyy guy. He doesn't have any cards.

Then there is North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un, who showed his gratitude for the President shortening military exercises with that ungrateful ally South Korea by launching 20 ballistic missiles in a test the day of the President's announcement.

That confirms the President's comments about the real and fraternal relationship he has with the adorable little homicidal dumpling.

Another close relationship the President enjoys is with the leader of China, President Xi, despite of the desperate shortage of vowels in his name.

President Trump has frequently called Chinese President Xi Jinping a "friend" and a "great leader", describing him as fierce, highly intelligent, and respectful of him. During high-level diplomatic visits and summits, Trump has emphasized that it is an "honor" to be Xi's friend and expressed optimism about U.S.-China relations.

And that friendship is shared as China is expanding its maritime law-enforcement and survey operations in the waters east of Taiwan to assert territorial claims and counter defense talks between Japan and the Philippines.

But, you know, in a friendly way.

So, given these close personal ties, who should we be wary of, undermine, and generally treat like the suspicious and greedy ingrates they are?

How about the so-called "United Kingdom," eh? In somewhat unclear comments, Trump told reporters that the UK had “a long way to go”, adding: “We won’t want another Neville Chamberlain, do we agree? We don’t want Neville Chamberlain.”

Translators for both countries are still trying to figure that one out.

He complained that the Brits wouldn't send their aircraft carriers, which I'm sure Trump finds ugly, to the Iran conflict. OK, we never asked for them and the UK never offered them, but still, where are they?

How about those quiche-eating fair-weather friends in France, and the rest of Europe?

OK, the French accent needs some work.

Denmark continues to selfishly refuse to give us the biggest island in the world, and then there's Canada.

Yeah, those guys take the cake, or the doughnuts, if you prefer.

We can start with the weird names they have for items of clothing, like toques and mucklucks. I mean, really, people. Trump says they are taking advantage of us in trade to the tune of, well, that figure changes a lot depending on what time it is.

We have, with them and Mexico, the successor agreement to the former North American Free Trade Agreement called the United States–Mexico–Canada Agreement. That guaranteed generally free trade among the partners, with only a handful of trade barriers allowed. It was negotiated and went into effect in the summer of 2020.

Wow, what bunch of numbskulls negotiated that unfair fair deal? I can't imagine we'd ever put them back in charge, eh? The voters aren't that stupid.

Anyway, these wily Canucks have taken advantage of us for years by selling us $453 billion in goods each year and only buying $426 billion in return. Why that's $27 billion difference, and that means we're getting hosed. Of course, it may be stuff we need, like...

• Heavy crude oil from Alberta feeds specialized refineries in the U.S. Gulf Coast and Midwest.
• Refined Uranium: Canada provides processed uranium required for nuclear power generation.
• Electricity: Cross-border transmission lines supply hydropower from Canada to parts of the U.S. Northeast and California.
• Potash: This mined mineral is a core component used to manufacture agricultural fertilizers.
• Critical Minerals: Canada supplies specific earth minerals and metals necessary for advanced technology, aerospace, and electric vehicle battery production

It also may mean someone doesn't really understand how trade works, but no matter. It's a bigger number, and that's all that counts.

Still, the President says they need us more than we need them. The President said their unemployment is over 10% yesterday. Of course it isn't, being only half that, but you get the idea. Numbers aren't his strong suit.

They don't have to be when you're a close personal friend of a surprisingly short George Washington.

And they don't have to be as long as they stop speaking French up there.

Yesterday our Transportation Secretary Sean Duffy, who earned his spurs with grueling stints on MTV, said this about our sneaky northern neighbors.

“Canada is a country that doesn’t have a military. . . . We provide their security for them, and they take advantage of us.”

That would come as a big surprise to these guys...

That is Juno Beach, one of the five attacked on D-Day in WWII. It was a Canadian show and along with the aid given us there, Canada suffered about 44,000 war deaths, about 0.4 percent of its population, a slightly higher per capita casualty rate than the United States. (They also joined the war in 1939, two years before the United States.)

Canadian diplomats in Iran saved US Embassy personnel after the Iranian revolution in 1979.

After the attacks on the United States on 9/11, Canada provided generous shelter to thousands of stranded Americans when our airspace was closed, led the effort to invoke NATO’s Article 5 on behalf of the United States, and then fought side by side with us in Afghanistan, losing 158 soldiers.

But Sean is almost completely positive they don't have a military. So, really people, who are you going to believe? I mean he's the Transportation Secretary, after all.

But, still, we provide all their protection according to Sean. Well, OK, except for the Russian stuff they intercept.

But other than that, Sean says they are defenseless without us.

So, the President has drawn the line with America's enemies like Canada and Europe. These new tariffs that all of us will pay at the grocery store, Home Depot and in auto showrooms will certainly teach them a lesson.

I know Canada sometimes feels like it lives in an apartment one floor above a meth lab, but that's the price of freedom.

Maybe they'll finally mend their ways like Russia, China and North Korea. It takes a keen eye to separate friend from foe, and we have the keenest in charge.

Well, when they're open, that is.