Texas Outlaw Writers Newsletter: Valentine's Hangover Edition

Texas Outlaw Writers Newsletter: Valentine's Hangover Edition
Photo by alleksana

Good morning Sunshine! C'mon, you're running out of "Snoozes" on that alarm! You're gonna be late!  Careful now... You're gonna need some Advil, maybe 3! That was a lot of Champagne that you put away last night, and all on a school night! And what's with the rose petals all over this bed?

Did the romantic dinner for two go as planned? Were you able to pick up some flowers from the Kroger tent on your way home from the office? (Don't you love those scared, 1,000-yard stares by all the fellows in line... "Do I have to get the flowers AND the chocolates?" "But they're out of cards!" "These roses cost more than a dozen eggs!" And then there's the wrap-around-sunglasses-dude with the inappropriate tattoos that hollers, "Hey guys, a couple more bottles of strawberry lube over in the pharmacy!" (Guys run toward the pharmacy section.) It's the thought that counts.

Speaking of, was your night full of pleasant surprises and pleasurable gymnastics? Was that strawberry sauce enjoyable, or did you have to substitute Vic's Vapor Rub after a badly strained hamstring muscle? (Speaking from experience, don't keep the Vapor Rub and the Strawberry gel side-by-side on the nightstand!)

Or worse, was it all just a dream within a dream? One where you awoke to the realization that it was you, alone, all night, all along. Netflix for one, an entire 16" double pepperoni pizza and a ½ gallon of Tillamook Rocky Road?

The media has been all about how the pandemic (on top of bad social media habits) has made us alone and lonely. And like so much modern media, (especially left-of-center media,) there is a cry to just eliminate (or ignore) Valentine's Day itself. (Because, what better way to defeat loneliness?)  

Just a sample of some headlines:

  • Romance scammers could cause unhappy Valentine’s Day (online scammers preying on the lonely and lovesick.)

  • I Love You, Too, but Let’s Skip the Roses. (about the environmental catastrophe that is the cut-flower industry... insecticides, fungicides, transportation costs/pollution, waste, etc. Etc. I imagine the author got a little miffed about not having a dozen on her desk. On the other hand, what a GREAT excuse when you forget the flowers. "Honey, I care about the planet as much as I do you!"

  • Even more than April 1, Valentine’s Day is for fools "Most people really (really, really) don’t want to feel like suckers. But Valentine’s Day is different. More so even than April 1, Feb. 14 is for suckers."
    Note that the author is happily married, and wishes you the best.

  • Change.org has a petition going to "Boycott Valentine's Day." (What with it being a capitalist scam, and all. Note, the petition is now closed, with an overwhelming 53 signatures. I guess it's over.)

But my favorite anti-Valentine sentiments are expressed in some opportunities available for the recently heartbroken. At the Houston Museum of Natural Science, you can donate $10 to have a Madagascar hissing cockroach named after an ex.  You will receive a pin and certificate, and the roach will spend a few nights with pals at the Heartbreak Hotel. Even better? The San Antonio zoo has a similar roach package available, only the purchased bug will be fed to other animals like the guys in the iguana or meerkat pen. For $25, upgrade to a rat or mouse to be fed to the snakes or other rodent eaters. $150 will get you a video of said critters being fed to said critters. (The ex will also get digital confirmation that their namesakes provided nourishment for the local meerkat population.)

Love. It's in the air. Or it was yesterday. Today, you're meerkat chow. Now grab that Tylenol, the line at Starbucks is going to be a long one today.

The Outlaws, sentimental romantics, every one... have the following to report...

Roger wants to calm everyone down and remind us all that no matter whether your guys got elected the last time, remember, the other guys will sooner or later, screw it up. It's the beauty of American politics. The folks you are afraid of will ultimately piss everyone off.

The “Weaponization” of, Well, Everything Apparently
The next person who says something is “woke” will force me into court on assault charges.

Myra Jolivet continues her celebration of Black History Month by celebrating her family. She proudly points to the success of her two accomplished children by acknowledging the trailblazers that knocked down barriers in businesses that "were no place for black people." Medicine was one of the last professions for those barriers to come down.

Black History Matters: Inspiration in Medicine | TX Outlaw Writers
Black History is not separate from American history. When children learn of the accomplishments of African Americans in many professions throughout history, they know that they can achieve their own dreams too.

If you watched Rihanna's recent live concert performance, which was, for some reason sandwiched between the halves of some form of popular sporting event... you probably saw a few commercials for... Jesus. Throughout the Super Bowl, there were some ads titled and themed "He Gets Us."  The spots cost around $20 million to run. It's an ad campaign that is ultimately going to cost a billion dollars, according to the creative team. Apparently, Jesus has come into some money.

Actually, there are a couple of very conservative billionaires behind the campaign. The ads are a go at branding Jesus as a guy who had empathy for the poor, was an activist, and who was pretty sick of politics. Our Outlaw Jim Moore sees a leeeeetle bit of hypocrisy in this billion-dollar bait and switch.

Jesus on the Jumbotron | Texas Outlaw Writers
The exercise of influence is a fundamental goal. Philanthropy might be too Jesus-y. They want to create more conservative Christians because right-wing Christianity, which they thought would lead to political power, is destroying the church.

Need a typewriter? A good one? The estate of Larry McMurtry has one up for auction. There might even be pair of his boots that you can buy. Maybe a writing table and artwork from his home in Archer City, where he covertly set so many of his novels.

Returning guest contributor Larry Weidman would love to make a bid or two. Larry (Weidman) grew up in Wichita Falls, a stone's throw from Larry (McMutry's) hometown of Archer City. Imagine, as Larry W. does, the spirits of all those characters that were released from those keys... Hud, Augustus McCrae, Woodrow Call, Jacy Farrow, Sonny Crawford, Sam the Lion, and Billy the Kid.  

Ode To A Typewriter | Texas Outlaw Writers
“Most heartfelt, I thank my typewriter. My typewriter is a Hermes 3000, surely one of the noblest instruments of European genius. It has kept me for thirty years out of the dry embrace of the computer.” -Larry McMurtry, On Winning a Golden Glove for Brokeback Mountain